I was babysitting the other day and took the little girl for lunch to Chik-fil-a. What was supposed to be a quick lunch ended up being a 5 minute eating contest that gave us the time and motivation to stay at the playground for 1 hour and 55 minutes. Appearantly, Chik-fil-a is the place to be if you are a mom that wants to get out of the house and have your kids burn their stored up energy (while you sit and talk with the other moms) so they come home and crash, or an oblivious babysitter. Needless to say, I felt like a mom, well, except for the fact that I was the only grown up inside the playground - all because my girl didnt want to go by herself. There must've been like 20 kids from ages 1-10... it was crazy, loud, and smelly.
I had forgotten what it was like to be a kid. There was everything from the pretty girl who didn't realize she is pretty and so is cool with all the kids, the pretty girl who was pretty and knew it and as such acted like a little snob, to the not so pretty girl who didnt care, the shy girl who wanted to play with others but didnt know how to approach them, the loud boy who farted next to the girls, the older girl who thought she was so cool cuz she could climb up the outside of the jungle gym, the boy who served as public announcer and yelled at the top of his lungs everytime he had an epiphany... ah it was so cool, a miniature genuine world that paralled the concealed and hidden grown up world.
At one point, when the pretty snoby girl arrived with her posse that consisted of her and two less-easy-on-the-eyes girls, the public announcer yelled "The girls are coming, the girls are coming, the girls are coming!" I kept trying to figure out if he was excited or scared, it might've been a mixture... but it was amazing to watch because in the midst of it all he was innocent, and though he was curious, he didnt let his curiosity get in the way of conquering the jungle gym... he kind of just blended the whole experience. It was really cool to see how they all interacted with each other, and it made me envy all those kids.
Life seemed to be so simple back when I was a little girl. I just think that as we grow up we complicate things just for the hell of it, I know I do, unconsciously sometimes.
And then talk about relationships... oh dear, I'm just a mess. I start off on the defensive, then start testing the waters, and all of the sudden I plunge in without realizing how deep the waters are. Its so scary... and I love and hate it at the same time. I get so dedicated that I dont know if its too much. Im not obsessive, but I do get into it... and this is when insecurities come haunting me, and usually when it turns into a breaking point as well. I wish I could be like the little boy at the playground, being able to integrate who I am, what I want, and what is there, into the right now.
My biggest fear is being taken for granted. I dont have a problem at all with being single, but when I am in a relationship in which we seem to be too comfortable and routine-like, I want out... whether is good or bad can be arguable. Or sometimes I wish I could talk "guy" because communication with guys sometimes its like being lost in translation...
I had never experienced pain like what I have been feeling for the last 6 months, but then again, I have also never felt this excited about someone before. I have absolutely nothing figured out right now, which I am completely fine with... I've always fancied adventure, yet there are times I do feel restless and when I wish I knew a bit more about the future, a way of avoiding my heart getting broken, of knowing if at the end it'll work out, of not doubting,
... But then again, love wouldn't be what it is if there were no risks. And while it starts with a feeling and it grows with a choice, it is maintained by faith.
So either way, that afternoon made me realize that while life is full of ups and downs, being a kid at heart will always make things a little more bearable. As grown ups, we tend to take ourselves too seriously; we focus on things that society has taught us are important: to achieve, when in the end, they dont make us feel happy, succesful, or give us a sense of fullfillment. Love, however, is not among these....
